Most of my clients, especially those who identify as overcontrolled, struggle with the words of self-compassion. Typically, they have a hard time extending kindness towards themselves, but they generally value being compassionate to others.
Why do clients dislike self-compassion?
Clients tend to have existing notions about self-compassion. For example, they think if they use self-compassion, they are weak, making excuses for their behavior, or will no longer feel motivated. Clients may view self-compassion as indulgent. They often cite that they do not deserve self-compassion and believe the anxious perfectionist deserves self-criticism instead. Self-compassion may lead to emotions that clients actively avoid experiencing, and they may believe in a cynical or bitter view of the world.
The critical coach metaphor
Image a young child learning a new skill. When the child makes a mistake, a critical coach scolds them for their error. Scolding often leads to the child feeling less inclined to try again, more anxious about mistakes, and more avoidant of potential negative experiences and feedback.
Now, consider the coach instead points out the error, gives directions for correction, but is reassuring and encouraging. This approach would allow the child to feel more interested in trying again and more accepting that mistakes are part of the learning and life process.
This metaphor demonstrates how criticism and compassion shape our behavior and how we can recognize mistakes or negative self-talk in life without getting down on ourselves.
Getting to a place where self-compassion can be useful
Practice self-enquiry: Notice your edge around the words "self-compassion" and ask yourself what you need to learn about yourself from the discomfort. Where did you learn self-compassion was a bad thing? Would you teach a young child that self-compassion is unnecessary or indulgent?
Check your values: Ask yourself if you value being a compassionate person. Would this compassion value extend to yourself? What kind of behaviors would a compassionate person do?
Pick words that work for you: If you dislike the words "self-compassion," can you try using a different word or phrase? For example, use words like warmth, kindness, or acknowledgment. Acknowledgment can be saying to yourself, "This is tough."
Embrace willingness: Don't replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Remember, we want to make room for discomfort, allow it to be there, and live according to our values. If you have the self-critical thought, "I'm an idiot," then you can allow that thought to exist and have the compassionate thought, "That was a challenge, and I made an attempt."
Practice defusion: Notice your mind's tendency towards self-critical thoughts and label them as such, for example, "Hello there, inner critic" or "Thank you, mind."
Reflect on the purpose and workability: Think about what purpose your critical thoughts serve and what purpose self-compassionate thoughts serve. If self-critical thoughts aren't working in your life, then you have a choice point of trying something new.